ADRIAN LANCE

I knew there was something different about me from a young age, even though I didn’t have a word to describe what it was. I didn’t fit in with the other boys. In middle school, I realized my crushes were on the other boys in my class. By the age of 13, I knew I was gay, and it terrified me.

I grew up seeing LGBTQ+ people treated differently and heard the word “gay” thrown around in school as an insult. It wasn’t until I started figuring out my sexuality that I learned what the church had to say on the matter. All of this drove me deep into hiding.

I began wrestling with God and praying to become straight. When that didn’t happen by the age of 15, I came out to my parents. It was one of the hardest conversations I’ve had with them. They urged me to meet with our pastor and asked me not to come out to anyone else. Our pastor encouraged them to take me to conversion therapy. My dad said it was my choice and they would love me either way, but I didn’t believe him, so I went. Twice a month, my dad and I would take the three-hour drive to see this “therapist.” After two years in conversion therapy, there was no change. In college, depression set in. Was my lack of change because I wasn’t trying hard enough? Did I not love God enough? It seemed impossible to continue trying to be ex-gay.

Eventually, fighting against myself became too much. I needed to figure this out once and for all. I took the time to work through my beliefs. It wasn’t easy, but there are some outstanding books and resources on faith and sexuality that helped me. The most influential was “Walking the Bridgeless Canyon” by Kathy Baldock. Her book was life changing for me. These resources helped me finally accept myself the way God made me.

At 30, I came out to my extended family and the rest of the world. I finally feel like I can fully be myself around them. There’s a reason God never answered my prayer to change. This is exactly who he created me to be and now that I’ve accepted myself, the best years are ahead.